Staying in Love: Part 2

Staying in Love: Part 2

By Brooke Shambley

Jesus taught the disciples about faith in the parable of The Wise and Foolish Builders.  However, when Jesus speaks of building our house upon the rock and not upon the sand, I often think about how applicable that message is to marriage.  Here is the parable account:

Matthew 7:24-27
²⁴ “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. ²⁶ But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. ²⁷ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

When it comes to staying in love, it absolutely matters what type of foundation our marriage is built on.

A beachfront house threatened by erosion - by Dirk Frankenberg

Type 1: Marriage Built on Sand

Many types of sand exist in marriages today.  Some have to do with the initial forming of the marriage, some have to do with existing problems in a marriage, and some have to do with marriage habits or lack thereof.  A marriage built on sand is unstable, unfulfilled, and when the storms come that marriage may not stand.

Sand of Selfishness - Why did you get married?  Ouch, that's a hard question, right?  Sometimes our motives aren't what they should have been when it comes to marriage.  Maybe our spouse was a major hottie or maybe they made us feel like a better person.  So many reasons to get married exist: to remove loneliness, to have companionship, to make our life better, to have children, to marry the hottest girl/guy, or maybe to be taken care of by someone.  While it might seem that most of these reasons are just fine (minus maybe marrying the hottie), they are all selfish motives.  We need to let God remove the sand of selfishness from our marriage.

We may have gotten married for selfish reasons, but God still has amazingly wonderful plans for our marriages!!!  Remember the verse Romans 8:28? "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."  As a couple, you have to seek God to renew the purpose of your marriage.  In Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV 1984) God says, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Pray to the God who has plans for your marriage, plans beyond what you may have thought for your marriage.  Allow Him to hold the reigns for your marriage and see Him convert the sand of selfishness into the rock of his will.

Sand of Relationship Sin - The second kind of sand that many marriages are affected by is that their relationship is already in sin.  So many couples begin their marriages from a life of sin.  The movies show that living together is only natural and being intimate before marriage is merely a part of deciding if that person is right for you, but the Bible is very clear that this is not God's plan.

Let me let the Bible speak for itself.  2 Corinthians 12:21 (ESV) says, "I fear that when I come again my God may humble me before you, and I may have to mourn over many of those who sinned earlier and have not repented of the impurity, sexual immorality, and sensuality that they have practiced."  Also Hebrews 13:4 (ESV) states, "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous."

May I be clear that God is ready and able to take this sand of sin and turn it to stone?  God is a beautiful redeemer and can take a marriage that has been built on the sand of sin and bring it to stone that is mighty in His strength.  However, as 2 Corinthians 12:21 mentions, a couple that begins in sin must repent before God to be renewed.

Sand of Good Intentions - Just because we may have married for the right reasons and didn't have a sinful relationship before marrying doesn't mean we are still operating in the right spirit.  Often we go into marriage expecting ourselves to be the best spouse ever and one day the best parent ever.  We also expect our marriage partner to be everything we ever wanted from a spouse.  At this point, we are victims of the sand of good intentions.

We must sacrifice our good intentions to the cross as well as our expectations of our spouse.  A marriage doesn't operate on what should get done or the love we intend to show.  A good marriage happens because of what does happen and what love we actually show.  Let yourself be the spouse that God intended, not the spouse that you expect yourself to be.  In addition, let your spouse be the spouse that God intends, not the spouse that you expect them to be.

The sand of good intentions can be transformed into a stone of reality.  God can take our hurts of expectations not met and show us that He has met our expectations all along.  He also helps us to show our love, display our love, and be vessels of his love to our spouse.  Give up your expectations of yourself and your spouse and allow God to pour out his love into your marriage.

Dar al-Hajar - by Yemeni

Type 2: Marriage Built on Rock

Rock of Salvation - I will be completely honest with you.  You will not have a fulfilling marriage built on stone, if you have not given your heart to God.  He is the only one who can bring you fulfillment and if you are looking for emotional fulfillment anywhere else (including through marriage) you will never find it. 

By giving your life over to God and committing your marriage to his will, your marriage will become built on his purpose and his rock of salvation.  That's not to say you won't have issues, we all do.  However, if we stop relying on our spouse and rely on God as our source of love, the expectations that we have been laying on our spouse will become areas that God's grace can cover.  God is perfect, our spouse are humans and sinners.  Rely on God and minister to your spouse in love.  Amen.

Staying in Love on the Rock of Salvation

When we allow God to redeem our marriages from the sand of relationship sin and the sand of selfishness and we accept the salvation God offers for our hearts, God can be the power pack of our marriage.  Staying in love doesn't have to be a human effort, rather God can supernaturally work in our marriages!!!  I'm not saying it's going to be easy, I'm not saying it's going to happen in a day, but when we begin to let God build our marriage on the rock He can and will do miracles.

Staying in love means relying on the source of love, our God who is love.  Commit today to staying in love with your marriage partner by laying your life and marriage relationship at the foot of the cross.  Allow his redemption to redeem your heart and your marriage, his rock of salvation is the only foundation on which to build your marriage.

Series: Staying In Love - Part 1

Word Art I Love You More Than by Hop Skip Jump Paper

Staying in Love - Part 1

by Brooke Shambley

Our culture abounds with books, movies, television shows, and even people telling us how wonderful it is to fall in love.  However, notice the verb in the statement "fall in love" is to fall.  Think of your worst nightmare.  For most people we think of the dream where we are falling through the air without any hope of stopping.  I know I've had that dream at least once.  Why would we want to think of love in the same way?  As if we had no control, no self-awareness, and no ability to think rationally.  "Falling" in love can be fun, spontaneous, and even monumental, but staying in love is another story. 

If we fell in love, can we fall out of love?  Of course, because we have sold ourselves on this helpless, hopeless, and irrational noun called love.  I don't want to live out love as a noun.  In fact, love as a noun is boring!  We have to add verbs of excitement like "falling" and "making" to act like this noun love is any fun at all.  Instead . . . I want to love and be loved.  I want to live out love as a verb.  Not like we love our cat, love pizza, or love watching movies.  This verb love is way more intense, way more wild, and way more exciting than the cheapened verb that we use to express are ardent likings.

 

Each post of this series on "Staying In Love" I will post ideas for couples who want to learn to live out love as a verb.  This is for those who desperately need to love each other past their initial feelings of falling in love.  I include myself in this category.  We all need to be reminded of ways to act out love in our marriages.

Make a Sacrifice: 

Dude, I am not talking about chopping off a head or anything here.  I mean remind yourself that your spouse is worth taking a hit.  Acting out love, living love as a verb means putting aside ourselves and realizing that this other person deserves to be loved and is a precious child of God.

Word Art I Love You More Than by Hop Skip Jump Paper

For men:

1. Leave the golf clubs in the closet and tell your wife you'll go shopping with her.
2. Get up early, get the kids ready, and serve your wife breakfast in bed. 
3. Take the money you were saving for a big screen television and make one of her dreams come true. 

For women:

1. Tell the kids to entertain themselves and sit down with your spouse and watch his favorite show. 
2. Make the world stop.  Put the kid's activities on hold, don't plan any appointments, clear the night and make it "All About Daddy" night. 
3. Do the thing you hate to do that your husband loves, whether that's rubbing his feet or ironing his shirts.

Reasoning: 

 

John 13:34, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another."

 

Jesus loved us so much that He lived in our world as a servant and died on a cross for our sins.  Our spouses are humans that certainly make mistakes, but just as Jesus was a servant to this messed up world so we are supposed to serve our spouses.  Love means serving no matter what . . . loving no matter what.

 

Let Go of the Excuses:

 

Sometimes I feel like saying, "I am woman, hear me roar!!!"  I think that being a woman gives me some divine excuse to act emotionally and express myself adamantly.  It doesn't.  I must let go of my excuses.  It doesn't matter how much I decide he deserves it or that he should have done something differently to be treated differently by me.  My excuses are null and void in the realm of the the verb love.  This applies to men as well.  Just because your wife acts "irrationally" or "emotionally" doesn't give you an excuse to walk around with a bad attitude.  Let go of the excuses.  Loving our spouses applies all of the time in all situations anywhere we are at physically or emotionally.

 

To men:

1. Determine in your mind to demonstrate your love the next time your wife reacts poorly.  Decide in advance to not act out in response and instead ask her what you can do to show her love.  She may still be upset, but don't give up.  Earnestly show her that you want to know how to best show love to her in all situations.
2. If you've had a bad day, remove that as an excuse in your mind.  Even on a bad day, the worst, you are called to love your wife.  Take one of your bad days and pick your wife up flowers on the way home.
3. At a time when you are very tired, almost exhausted, offer to get your wife a drink from the kitchen, offer to rub her back, or offer to do something for her.  Recognize the need to demonstrate love even when you are most tired.

Valentine Word Art I Love You More Than
by Hop Skip Jump Paper

To women:

1. Determine that during your next monthly "fun" time will not be an excuse for not loving your husband.  Tell him in advance that you may need time by yourself to cool down, but that you want to remove that week as an excuse.  You want to love him all of the time, not just three weeks a month.
2. The kids have been terrible, the house is a wreck, company is coming, your husband is late, show him love.  On a day that normally is your excuse to be emotional, unraveled, and down right mean, resolve to greet your husband warmly and love him well.  Go out of your way to put aside the excuse of the bad day, and resolve to make him feel loved regardless.
3. It's been a long day.  Everything took a long time, grocery shopping, appointments, etc., but that isn't going to be an excuse this day.  Ask your husband what you can help him with even though you are tired.  Find someway to love him well despite your having a tiring day.

 

Reasoning:

 

Ephesians 4:1-3, "I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called,  with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,  eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."

 

2 Corinthians 13:11, "Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you."

 

The Bible says to live in peace, humility, patience, and gentleness.  It says nothing about excuses.  There are no free passes in love.  There are no get out of jail free cards either.  Love doesn't just take a hiatus while we deal with our emotions, our days, our exhaustion, or other life issues.  Loving our spouse is not just a full time job, it's a full life job.

 

Continued in the next blog post . . .

 

Note: Some of the information in this blog came from a recent sermon at Gulf Coast Worship Center in Long Beach, MS. Call it inspiration, not a photo copy.